Too often we underestimate the power of a touch,
a smile, a kind word, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. Leo Buscaglia
The purpose of this section is to help you help your grieving friend. Listening
to your friend is the greatest gift you have to offer. You may not always know what to say to your grieving friend, but
you can do many supportive things to help someone dear through the journey of grief. Please start today.
Some of the following ideas are my own; some are borrowed from Alan Wolfelt's book. For more practical ideas on helping
someone you love through grief, refer to Books for Helping Others.
Ten Things You Can Do To Help A Grieving Friend
1. Invite your friend on a weekly walk, outdoors if the weather permits, or at the local mall. Your friend is hurting
right now. Please don't ignore the loss.
2. Give a comfort package: Fill a pretty basket with rich bath soaps,
gels, or oils, sea sponges, candles, incense, tea, a CD of soft music and a plush towel. Include a handwritten note of caring
3. Send a card, and another and another. After the funeral, people go back to their own lives. Let
your friend know that you are thinking of him or her over the long haul by sending a thoughtful card every month for the next
Pay special attention to anniversaries, holidays, birthdays and other significant dates related to the deceased
loved one. Don't ignore the loss. Thinking of you cards work well, but beautiful blank cards with your handwritten note inside
are more personal. Please avoid syrupy-sweet cards that can come across as insincere.
4. Take a drive. Select a
scenic spot an hour or two away and drive there with your friend. It could be a public farm, community garden, park, river
walk or beach. Pack a picnic lunch. Bring a camera because getting in touch with the beauty of the world can be very healing.
Print the pictures and give them to your friend. Frame one, put the whole set in a pretty scrapbook or create a CD for your
friend. Short on time or need a little inspiration? Shutterfly.com can help.
5. Invite your friend to your home for an afternoon
or evening. Rent a movie and have take-out food. Allow the conversation to go where it needs to go.
6. Grief drains
people of energy making activities of daily living very difficult. Call your grieving friend and ask what you can pick up
for them at the store today. Offer to take the dog for a walk, replace the kitty litter, clean the house, change the bed linens,
run the dishwasher, take out the trash, or do the laundry. NOTE: Do only the basics. Cleaning out the closets, rearranging
the furniture, or moving items that belonged to the deceased loved one are intrusive and will likely be resented.
7. Be a handy person. Consider the seasons as you offer simple services: wash windows in the spring, cut grass in the summer,
rake leaves in the fall, shovel snow in the winter, or change the furnace filter.
8. Grief needs to be expressed
outwardly for healing to occur. If your friend likes to write, buy a beautiful blank journal, gift wrap it and drop it off,
or mail it. Begin the journal by writing a supportive note on the first page.
9. Simplify your friend's life. What
tasks are overwhelming to your friend right now? Cook a few meals for the freezer, offer to help write thank you notes for
the gifts of food and flowers at the time of the death, pick up the kids from school, stop by the dry cleaners, or shop for
groceries. In short, run errands because your friend doesn't have the concentration or energy to do so.
your friend alone--for a while. Sometimes the best way to help a grieving friend is to leave him alone because mourning requires
a natural turning inward. Be sure to tell your friend you would like to spend time with him when he is ready. Keep sending
cards, E-mails or texts, but don't be hurt if he ignores you or declines all offers. Instead, offer your support again in
a week or two. Keep offering. Please don't give up on your grieving friend.
You are not abandoning your friend
when you provide the alone time needed to heal. Use the space to read about grief. Or, just for today, set aside the worries
of your friend and enjoy your life. You'll have much more to offer when the timing is right.
Not many people want, or are able, to enter into another person's
pain and suffering. Compassion for our fellow travelers is in short supply. Congratulate yourself for being willing to accompany
someone dear on one of life's most difficult journeys.
Note: The English language does not provide me with
a pronoun meaning he or she. I have chosen the masculine pronoun for clarity of writing. My apologies to the ladies
Sources for Helping Others:
Wolfelt, Alan D. Healing a Friend's
Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Helping Someone You Love Through Loss. Fort Collins, CO: Companion Press, 2001, pages
Wray, T.J., Surviving the Death of a Sibling: Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister
Dies. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2003, pages 78-88.
Go to next page: Taking Care of You
can’t I find a page or link that used to be here?
Over the last ten years, The Grieving Heart® meandered
into many topics and lost its purpose. I have deleted 40 pages to bring it back to the original focus of grief and helping
Web addresses come and go and I cannot guarantee the accuracy, safety or longevity of third-party (external) sites.
Adding links by request, or finding and fixing broken links are massive time consumers, so I have deleted many outside sources
and will limit additions in the future. The external links that remain are checked on a regular basis and related to
grief, helping grievers and pet loss.
will continue to honor and remember veterans and fallen soldiers because it is the least I can do for those who have
given so much.
I hope that my renewed attention
to grief information will make The Grieving Heart® a better experience and comfort for you. Thank you for visiting. CJ
A Word About E-mail: One way to decrease SPAM e-mail caused by Internet bots is to deactivate the live address link. You can still contact
me by copying and pasting this address into your own e-mail program.
Note to Visitors:
I read and
respond to grief email at the end of each month when I update this site. If you need a more timely response, please visit
a well moderated grief healing discussion group. It is free to use and requires registration to participate. I am not part of this group, but certified
grief counselors are there to help, support and comfort grievers and those who love them. Because the
counselors lost funding for the site, they are grateful for voluntary donations.
Why no links to Facebook and other social media? Click here for the answer.
How complicated and individual mending is, the time required for healing
cannot be measured against any fixed calendar. Mary Jane Moffat
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