Take rest. The field that has rested gives a beautiful crop. Ovid
Being supportive of a bereaved friend is a worthy endeavor that may drain you of energy. It is important
to attend to your own feelings and fatigue. When you take care of yourself you are better able to care for others.
Here are some suggestions to help replenish your mind, body and spirit:
Spend some time alone, reflecting
upon all that has happened. Try keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, just seeing your thoughts on paper
helps with perspective.
Go for a long walk.
Listen to your favorite music.
Take the time
to be with your own family. Enjoy the experience. Laugh if you can.
Find someone to talk to who is not involved
with your grieving friend. Objectivity can be a great reassurance that you are doing the very best you can.
read or enjoy a favorite hobby. Pray if this comforts you.
Visit a relaxing and peaceful place on a regular basis,
such as a beautiful church, art gallery, or park.
Try to eat a healthful diet and get enough sleep. For tips on
sleeping better, go to Panic, Insomnia and Nightmares.
The Long-Term Role of Caring Friend
Your grieving friend is going to need your care and support as the weeks turn into months. This
is especially true when other family members and friends return to their homes, their lives and their daily routines. The
reality of death only begins to sink in after all the activities surrounding the funeral have ended. Your friend may need
to talk now more than ever, but early enthusiasm for helping your grieving friend can give way to chronic fatigue.
The following suggestions will assist you in the long term role of caring friend:
Often after a death, helpers rush forward to assist with the many tasks that need attention. Energy quickly runs out because
it is impossible to keep up with their own lives while giving so much time to grieving friends. At this point, friendships
begin to fray and families start to feel neglected.
To avert this, recognize that it takes months or even years to grieve.(*)
Decide how much of yourself you can reasonably give. Then pace yourself so that you will have the time and energy to help
your friend as long as it takes.
Create balance in your life by developing a regular schedule to visit your friend.
This may be once a week in the early stages, then every two weeks or once a month as time goes by. Your grieving friend will
appreciate knowing that on a certain day, you will be there to talk, walk, help, visit the cemetery together, cry, or simply
enjoy each other’s company.
Know your limits. Ask yourself first what you are willing to do. Don’t do something if you would rather not. Everyone has personal
limits to helping and knowing them is taking care of you.
Sharing in your
friend’s grief is more than a painful duty—it is a privilege because you are sharing the most intimate part of
that person’s life. The reward for helping can be a friendship that is more precious than ever. But you can't be all
things to all people. Please take care of you, too.
As I wrote earlier on
this site, sorrow is a matter of taking turns. While reciprocity is not automatic, the chances are good that your
friend will remember all that you gave during this time of heartache and will return the gift of love when it is your time
(*)Note: We never completely stop grieving the death of someone we love. There will always be a degree
of sadness, but the crippling aspects of new grief do subside over time. Click When Does the Grieving End? to read more.
References for This Article:
Fitzgerald, Helen. The Mourning Handbook. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1994.
Go to next section: December's Deep Grief
can’t I find a page or link that used to be here?
Over the last ten years, The Grieving Heart® meandered
into many topics and lost its purpose. I have deleted 40 pages to bring it back to the original focus of grief and helping
Web addresses come and go and I cannot guarantee the accuracy, safety or longevity of third-party (external) sites.
Adding links by request, or finding and fixing broken links are massive time consumers, so I have deleted many outside sources
and will limit additions in the future. The external links that remain are checked on a regular basis and related to
grief, helping grievers and pet loss.
will continue to honor and remember veterans and fallen soldiers because it is the least I can do for those who have
given so much.
I hope that my renewed attention
to grief information will make The Grieving Heart® a better experience and comfort for you. Thank you for visiting. CJ
A Word About E-mail: One way to decrease SPAM e-mail caused by Internet bots is to deactivate the live address link. You can still contact
me by copying and pasting this address into your own e-mail program.
Note to Visitors:
I read and
respond to grief email at the end of each month when I update this site. If you need a more timely response, please visit
a well moderated grief healing discussion group. It is free to use and requires registration to participate. I am not part of this group, but certified
grief counselors are there to help, support and comfort grievers and those who love them. Because the
counselors lost funding for the site, they are grateful for voluntary donations.
Why no links to Facebook and other social media? Click here for the answer.
How complicated and individual mending is, the time required for healing
cannot be measured against any fixed calendar. Mary Jane Moffat
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